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[Monday
December 31st, 2012 at 12:01am] |
Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
( Do you want to change it? )
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| [forty-six | nico] |
[Tuesday
October 19th, 2010 at 2:14pm] |
( Private )So the story is that Nicolas went off to Russia for a week for a funeral and Nils is off in the mountains secluding himself from society to try to start his book. In the meantime, you get to deal with Nicoleta. That's your official update, now on with business that is actually fucking relevant. In continuation of my last contribution to intelligent discussion - raise your hand if you're surprised no one read it - we're going to keep talking about Death. Because the fear of death has absolutely no basis in reality and due to the inherent nature of humanity itself, most of humanity is terrified of the mere mention of death, much less an actual discourse on it. ( Blah blah blah... no one takes the time to read the fine print anyhow. )Instead of going into detail about the two kinds of oblivion or why ordinary people harbor such an irrational fear of death, I think I'm going to pose a question ( a question, not my question, but a question I enjoy thinking about regardless) instead: How would you be treated, what would you be eating, would someone want to have sex with you, if they were considering your death, which then forces a summarization of your life? Consider "a summarization" being roughly equal to the conversation about you at your own funeral. And remember - what you have done is what's being observed, not your reasons for doing it.
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| [forty-five] |
[Tuesday
October 12th, 2010 at 10:27pm] |
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I forgot birthdays this year, only to turn around and ask myself why it even matters if I forgot them... to come to the conclusion that even if it's something little, something no one else remembers or gives a shit about, it was something that always made me happy to remember.
Sometimes we need to reboot in order to have a moment of true clarity, to remember who we are and how we got that way. Last time I did that I had an old god's hand shoved through my chest and got my heart in the mail a week later... all so I could tell someone I loved them; someone who inevitably couldn't possibly give a fuck less about me. Eighteen months later and I'm married and I can't remember why it was ever so hard for me to say those words in the first place; but that doesn't mean I don't occasionally feel like I've lost myself.
If misery loves company, then are content people alone? I hate fucking feeling content.
Edit: Correction, twice in the last year I've told someone I've loved them only to have them never speak to me again. It's truly fucking incredible when that happens, isn't it? Reminds a man why he finds humanity so goddamn useless in the first place.
And now about that feeling of contentment... I know I should be watching what I ask for, but I just feel like I'm a breath away from losing it all, all over again hate sitting in one place waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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| [forty-four] |
[Friday
September 17th, 2010 at 9:34am] |
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Don't know what you're all squabbling about. You're all fucking figments of these mortals imaginations. Your god doesn't even exist to be able to hand down some grand decree about the morality of two people with dicks being in love. What part of you only exist because mortals believe in you do you fail to comprehend? Your morality means nothing.
I'm going back to my Ethics class now. Enjoy the rest of your day asshats.
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| [forty-four] |
[Sunday
September 12th, 2010 at 6:39am] |
Well... nihil.org is back up and running. Because I was fucking bored. It's been up for a while, but I'm just getting back in the hang of writing for it again - which I suppose it better than not writing at all. And maybe somewhere along the way I'll think of something fascinating enough to get my agent off my damn back. In the meantime, though, school is about to start (or has already started) for many people and, due to that, I've decided to write up a little how-to guide for everyone who needs to brave the twisted and nefarious labyrinth of the US education system... ( Rules for Hipsters v1.0 ) |
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| [forty-three] |
[Tuesday
August 17th, 2010 at 10:09pm] |
Classes start on September 13th. This is, apparently, considerably later than what time the public schools are starting, but I'd much rather have another month to do absolutely nothing at all other than my husband than be sitting in a classroom listening to someone who doesn't know half as much as what they'd like to think they know drone on and on about bullshit. I keep asking myself why I'm still doing this. Keep coming up with: "Why not?" And I have no answer for that. Senior year: the year of being asked where you're going to go to college, listening to people stress about early admissions tests and applications, and being asked what you're going to do after graduation. So very few people are doing what they actually want to do, it's sort of pathetic. I've decided I'm going to alternatively tell people that I'm going to become a professional asshole and that I'm skipping college and writing instead. Partially for shock value and partially because it's the truth. Apparently some of my classmates were present at that thing on Friday and now not only am I notorious for being married, but I'm a rockstar too. We'll be peeling women off with a crowbar this year, since not a one of them has an ounce of shame. ( Private to Morphine ) |
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| [forty-two] |
[Friday
July 23rd, 2010 at 6:55am] |
( Stranger Than Paradise )This is bullshit. I am married and I have to be at the school in an hour to register for fall classes. Why am I even still doing this? One year of this shit was bad enough - but no, I committed myself to this charade and now I have some goddamn obligation, like I actually give a fuck about following through with obligations. If I didn't find some trivial, ridiculous honor in going through the system as it has been built, finding out all its little ways to break it, I would be perfectly content in just skipping the whole ordeal and going right onto whatever noble cause I fancied I was going to go onto after finishing this. If I had anything better to do with my time, I'd be tempted to tell that noble cause to get bent and find something more suited for my talents to tend to or abuse. But no. I've honored the three book deal of my contract with my publisher and now they want me to hold off writing anything new until it's been re-negotiated. In the off-chance that they might have some request of me to slide into the fine print underneath some outrageous sum that I couldn't give less of fuck about. And when have I ever done what someone told me to do? But I have no ideas. I'm tapped out. If there's a goddamn philosopher left in this bloody forsaken country, I'd like to meet him. And if there isn't and there's something I can kill here that's preventing me from going back home, I intend to find it, kill it, take my husband and go back to Russia.
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| [forty-one] |
[Saturday
July 10th, 2010 at 8:22pm] |
Mais, quand d’un passé ancien rien ne subsiste, après la mort des êtres, après la destruction des choses, seules, plus frêles mais plus vivaces, plus immatérielles, plus persistantes, plus fidèles, l’odeur et la saveur restent encore longtemps, comme des âmes, à se rappeler, à attendre, à espérer, sur la ruine de tout le reste, à porter sans fléchir, sur leur gouttelette presque impalpable, l’édifice immense du souvenir.
Et dès que j’eus reconnu le goût du morceau de madeleine trempé dans le tilleul que me donnait ma tante (quoique je ne susse pas encore et dusse remettre à bien plus tard de découvrir pourquoi ce souvenir me rendait si heureux), aussitôt la vieille maison grise sur la rue, où était sa chambre, vint comme un décor de théâtre.* [Sebastian]Come over. Let's drink. I actually fucking baked and I'll be damned if you're not here to take advantage of extremely prissy French cakes. ( * )
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| [forty] |
[Thursday
June 10th, 2010 at 5:41pm] |
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So the honeymoon went a little long. Apologies to everyone who actually had the alcohol ready on Monday, but I was a little tied up there.
Now, did I miss something that someone thinks is important? I feel like someone's about to bitch at me for forgetting to do something and I'm pretty sure nagging husbands don't turn nagging that fast.
[Private to Sebastian; Viewable by the Saints]
What?
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| [thirty-nine] |
[Tuesday
June 1st, 2010 at 2:42am] |
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Icarus and I have left for Massachusetts. Have alcohol ready for us when we return next Monday.
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[Saturday
May 29th, 2010 at 7:34pm] |
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| [thirty-eight] |
[Tuesday
May 18th, 2010 at 3:25am] |
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev plans to visit U.S. Silicon Valley in June to boost Russian-U.S. cooperation in the high-tech sphere, a Russian deputy premier said on Monday.Fuck. Alright, so, I want to get out to California in June. But I need a few more details on when the president will be stateside so I may go and stalk visit with him. So far all I can find is that it is slated for the end of June, but that doesn't really help me plan my schedule, to be honest. And there is that one thing... I'm getting restless, I want it done before June. But the likelihood of all the pieces falling into place by then are slim. So I can either be content with the way things are or I can change them. And unfortunately for the absent parties involve, I don't like being content. So I'm going to have to change them. Or suggest a change for them. Before June, preferably. I'd like to make an impression on Medvedev when we see each other. ...Not that I ever not make an impression. And I think, maybe, I should stop making entries in this thing when I've been drinking. Make sense of all that, if you can. If not... be grateful you can even read it and I haven't digressed to mixing French and Russian.
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| [thirty-seven] |
[Friday
May 7th, 2010 at 12:56pm] |
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For his part, Nihilism spent yesterday squeezed into the corner of a classroom at his high school, staring blankly through the darkness. He was not unaffected and yet, he was not affected either. He simply didn't care. Around him, students were panicking, trying to trample out of classrooms while terrified teachers attempted to keep them in. But he kept low, kept covered and kept out of the fray.
When it was over, he would seethe about how this wouldn't happen if most of humanity was able to comprehend anything bigger than its own egocentric, selfish selves, but it faded rather quickly into the same combination of righteous disdain and apathy that he always carried.
And now, since the Greeks seem to be the only ones not either panicking or over-compensating for their panic, he assumes they're the culprits behind this. The fact that they're bragging about it all over the journals helps a bit with that as well. His hatred for the pantheon has reached an inconceivable level, but fortunately for everyone involved he's above the pettiness and immaturity of retaliation. And this is good, because the last time he retaliated, WWII happened.
So how can we spin this so the Christians think yesterday was the Apocalypse and they were all left behind?
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| [thirty-six] |
[Monday
March 29th, 2010 at 6:52pm] |
Suicide bombers. Don't you dumb shits know that suicide is the most utterly useless act a human being can commit? Your only reward after death is to open your eyes and repeat the whole bullshit charade all over again. Maybe that's punishment enough for your enormous stupidity. ( Private, Viewable to Icarus and Morphine ) |
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| [thirty-five] |
[Friday
March 12th, 2010 at 12:45am] |
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I feel... a little tingly. There's something almost familiar in the air. Like that heady smell of ozone just before a thunderstorm. It's sticky and thick. It burns to inhale. But it does taste sweet. I think the last time I had this on the tip of my tongue was somewhere around 1923 - but it's not as certain this time. Naturally, I don't have my hand in it this time.
I haven't the faintest what this is, unfortunately, but it feels as though a cloud of discord is rolling in. Too angry to be a revolution, too scared to be an uprising.
Too bad.
Though thinking about the old days reminds me... Where are my brothers when I need them to amuse me? I feel like I haven't had a proper argument with Anarchy in ages.
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| [thirty-four] |
[Wednesday
March 10th, 2010 at 10:41pm] |
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In regards to this whole census thing, can someone just answer one question for me?
... Why?
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| [thirty-three] |
[Tuesday
February 16th, 2010 at 2:12am] |
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This is the first time I've ever asked someone to marry me and they've accepted.
I suppose that's fitting because this is the first time those words, that question, has ever actually mattered to me.
And neither of us had to get hit by some Greek's wayward arrows to get the job done either. Though I wonder how often I've been caught in the crossfire in the past, because everything else I've ever thought might seem like love, was so weak and fleeting compared to now, compared to this.
You'll know when we set a date.
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| [thirty-two] |
[Tuesday
February 2nd, 2010 at 4:39pm] |
I have been horribly, inexcusably neglectful of this thing. But balancing school and having a book coming out less than two weeks from now has taken its toll on my sanity, social life and anything superfluous. Apparently this has fallen by the wayside as well. But I have a small break from classwork and I'm done fielding calls from my publisher for at least the next week. Which reminds me, my new books comes out on the 14th. Yes, I wrote a book about love and it's coming out on Valentine's Day. But don't look at me like I'm the schmuck, because it was all my publisher's idea, even after I threatened to sue for defamation over such a ridiculous PR move. What bullshit. And they wouldn't even let me call it Fuck Love either. It's official title is Remedium Amoris or The Cure for Love, from a segment of Nietzsche's Daybreak. I'm glad it's over, the writing process. And I don't intend to pick up a pen to scrawl out ridiculous dribble like that for a full year at least. My head needs a break. And I need to go back to the lyrical art like I used to write. Or maybe it's just that season where I go insane and do insane things and call it cathartic. ( Private to Icarus ) |
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[Tuesday
January 12th, 2010 at 5:57am] |
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| [thirty-one] |
[Tuesday
January 12th, 2010 at 12:56am] |
[Locked from Icarus]I don't know which is worse, the fact that there's a drug god in my living room or the fact that there's an ex-lover in my living room. And he's speaking in his philosophical riddles and blowing his smoke in my eyes and I'm falling for it like a young thing all over again and I cannot have this happening. But you don't just ask a man like that to leave. Not when he looks as he does and speaks as he does and when you've spent the last five hours talking about how much you miss all those men you shared between you. He hasn't asked me to smoke, but there's that light in his eyes that I remember so well that means he wants me to ask him for it. He always did like that. I want to, I know he can feel the desire, but I can't. Not for any glorified reason or because of any kind of virtue that I certainly don't possess, but because I know what it'll lead to; what it's always led to. How can I resist the temptation of indulgence itself but I can't resist the temptation of some old god who disappeared from my life a century ago? ( Private to Morphine )
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| [thirty] |
[Friday
January 1st, 2010 at 1:04am] |
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[Private]
New Years Resolutions:
- Get over my astounding fear of commitment.
- Set boundaries with my father that don't involve sex, but do involve good booze and even better cooking.
- Find my son and bring him here.
- Make amends with Media, but only after our son is found.
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| christmas gifts |
[Friday
December 25th, 2009 at 6:09pm] |
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| [twenty-nine] |
[Thursday
December 24th, 2009 at 5:33pm] |
As though I haven't said enough on the subject... ( Don't Despair Just Because It's Christmas )In light of all of that, should you happen to have someone in your life that you would derive sincere joy through the act of giving a gift to... By all means, gift! There's nothing wrong with feeling happiness at seeing joy on another person's face because you can give them something that means something to both you and then. Forget about what the gesture means to every other person in your life, because that's not the meaning of the gift. If you want to give something to the whole world, making yourself happy is the best thing you can do for everyone around you. And remember that this season is not about consumerism and obligatory giving. |
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| [twenty-eight] |
[Wednesday
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:12am] |
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[Locked from Icarus]
No one has ever been able to reach inside and pull out my deepest, darkest secrets that way before. So effortlessly. What does it mean that I have no hesitation in putting it all in his hands, trusting him with every dark and disgusting part of myself?
I wonder if this is what hot wax feels like to him; this vulnerable and exposed feeling.
The single most terrifying and exhilarating experience of my life. Not death, not being at the very whim of hellfire could ever dream of comparing to that. And just when I thought I had felt the crescendo of sensation someone comes along and reminds me that there are still new things in the world.
Goddamn. I can still be surprised.
He'll be a damn good writer. And he's all mine now.
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